Saying “I’m Sorry”

Why is it so hard to apologize? 

When we do something wrong, we wish it could be anyone's fault but our own. Our first instinct is to get defensive and find a way to blame it on some other person or on the situation itself. It’s such a yucky feeling to have no one else to blame but ourselves, but when this is the case, then we have to figure out how to deal with that. 

Some people are great at taking ownership of their mistakes, and they will say ‘sorry’ and find a way to either correct what happened, or they will just move forward with the acceptance and acknowledgement that it was their fault. 

But unfortunately, many people are not willing to take accountability for their mistakes. I get it…it doesn’t feel good to be the one at fault, and it doesn’t feel good to have everyone else know (whoever else might be involved) that it was your fault. But that yucky feeling doesn’t give you a pass at accepting that it was actually your fault. 

Honestly, I think that pride is one of the biggest reasons that we have a hard time apologizing when we are wrong. We don’t want to admit our mistake, and depending on who you hurt or did something to, you may not want to appear weak in front of them. But here’s the problem with that. The other people already know you are the one at fault. They already know that you are the one who made a mistake, so by not admitting it, you’re not actually saving yourself anything. You’re just making yourself look bad, and showing everyone that you are too proud to apologize and admit that you’re wrong.

So what is the point of saying sorry? It doesn’t change the situation, and it doesn’t undo what has been done. But what it does is even more important. It heals the relationship with the person that you need to say ‘i’m sorry’ to. If your mistake affects someone that you care about, then by admitting your mistake, you are communicating to the other person that you value and respect them. You are communicating to them that you care for them, and that they deserve the healing that comes with taking full accountability of your mistake. 

An apology is not just about the words ‘I’m sorry”. No, that is just a small part. An apology is about telling the other person why what you did was wrong. That you feel bad for the hurt that you caused, and that you understand what you should have and could have done differently. That is the true point of an apology, and that is the part that leads to healing. 

As a therapist, my experience of working with people has given me an interesting aspect of this to consider. That is, that the people least willing to apologize are usually the ones who get most upset when others make mistakes and don’t apologize for them. I see this a lot when working with parents and children. Parents are quick to snap at their kids for making a mistake, but when the parents themselves make a mistake, they typically will not take responsibility for it, and will not apologize. These parents are often the ones who don’t think we should apologize to children, because they are…well, just children. But this is so unfair and so far from what is right. Children are human and deserve the same amount of respect that adults do. Yes, as parents and adults, we have much more authority than children do, and what is acceptable behavior is quite different. But when it comes to respect…children deserve it just as much as we do. And let’s not forget that we, as adults, need to set an example. So if we aren’t willing to apologize to our kids for our mistakes, then why do we expect them to apologize for their mistakes? 

I see this in my work with couples as well. Sometimes it’s just the little day to day stuff, and sometimes it’s the bigger stuff, but some couples are just so bad at accepting when they make mistakes, and they won’t apologize to each other. Some people just expect the other person in the relationship to not feel hurt by their actions, and by extension of that, to not need healing from hurts. This is often what creates wedges in relationships and creates a break in the affection and friendship in a couple. 

So what about you? Are you good at apologizing, or do you let your pride get in the way? Are you self-aware enough to understand that even the little mistakes, the day to day ones that don’t cause serious harm, require an apology and accountability. Because usually it’s these little behaviors that get ignored that lead to the people in your life feeling a built up of resentment and unhappiness. A feeling of disappointment that you don’t respect them enough to own your behaviors.  It may sound silly, but trust me. When you make a mistake, just say sorry. If it’s a small thing, just say sorry and move on. If it’s a big thing, take the time to explain why you’re sorry, and you will see quickly that those you are giving this respect to will feel better about their relationship with you.

For a deeper look at this, listen to episode 17 of my podcast.